why am I so scared to be who I am. It's like deep down inside I know myself, I know how I think, I know what I want, I know what I feel, but I am scared to show it. I looked at my life today and I thought, wow I am really lucky. I have parents who love each other and have been there for one another through everything. I have siblings who want the best for me. And I have three handsome nephews that love me and look up to me. I have family and friends who believe in me and have faith that I will succeed. So where does this doubt in myself come from. Where does this need to hide arise from. I am barely starting to figure it out. I know some people have seen the good parts of me. The person that loves to make people laugh and smile and brighten up there day. The person that wants everyone to know I am there for them no matter what. A person who wakes up everyday and thanks God that they did. Everything we have in life is a gift. For a long period of time I had forgotten that. It seems like I have been getting a lot of wake up calls telling me that I shouldn't take what I have for granted and that I should be thankful for everything. I should keep this smile on my face at all times to let people know I am okay with not everything being alright, I am okay with having everyday obstacles, I am okay with struggling with everything in life, because of the fact that I know my angels are their with me and I know everything happens for a reason. If I really think about it, I have more good than bad in my life. I have family, friends, my health, an education, love, and faith. There are so many people out in the world that are going through a lot more than me and I wish I could help them.

I looked at my parents today and remembered them telling me that I wasn't the same girl I used to be, and I thought, I might not be the same little girl, but I could change to being a better person than what I have become. Today when it was raining bad and we were at Wal-Mart there was a mother and her little girl, She was probably about 3 years old or so. and I just felt the need to help them. I walked them to their car so that they could use my umbrella. Afterwards I just felt relieved to think I helped someone out today. I could've prevented that little girl from getting sick from the rain. I just think I feel the need to start giving and stop expecting things for myself. The little girl my parents spoke of always smiled, always helped people, forgave easily, and kept a positive attitude. It seems this past year i let myself go. I went through a lot which just made me angry, and sad, and unable to trust and forgive. I don't want that. I am not saying I am gonna change by tomorrow cuz that's impossible. I have been trying to fix things for a long time and it's barely starting to hit me about other aspects that are involved. All I am saying is that I am ready to fix things. Now for those who think i am gonna be completely different, well sorry I am not. I just want to fix certain things. The past time I drank, yes I went overboard and I should've known when i passed my limit. I am still going to drink every now and then but I am not exceeding my limit anymore. As far as smoking goes, I want to quit. I don't want to anymore. It's gonna be hard, but I gotta try. Trusting is one factor that is going to take a very long time. Forgiving is something I am not ready to do, but plan to work on. It takes a lot of hard work to succeed and I can handle it. I am gaining my strength back, I know I am. There are going to be certain times when I want to quit, but I won't. Someone told me that as long as you have your family and friends you'll be okay. Cuz they'll always be there to pick you up when you get knocked down. I thank that person for showing me a lot and being there when I needed them. I believe this person came into my life for a reason and that was to show me that I am strong and can get through anything. They taught me a lot and I am grateful. Now it's time to put my new knowledge to the test and start this new journey.


Just have a little faith in me, I know I can do this.