Life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be.
Friday, October 28, 2005
I Can't even believe it myself
Right now the only thing I can say is that I feel like a complete failure. I still can't believe it, but i have the paper in my hand and it reminds me that it's real. I thought extremely hard before I did it so I know that it was the best choice. I have a plan though and I will do everything I can to follow it through. There is one thing pending though that will effect what road to take. Right now I am following the plan that I think is best for this time. If I have ever said that things are different I had no clue how different things could really be. I am such a different person now. I never thought I would be in these kind of positions, but once again i know it's real and now I have to flow with it. A part of me is so scared but then the other part reminds me that God is with me and he will not let me fall and stay down. He will pick me up and give me strength to keep going. Everything is so confusing right now. I just don't understand.
Why can't people just be honest? Why do they feel the need to lie to you to "protect you"? honesty is everything......
I need to relax and just breathe. I can't stress.......
As crazy as it may sound I want this soooo bad. Please God just let it be true or let it happen. I want nothing more than this to happen. These past few days have been something else. I am just hoping all these signs and symptoms turn out to be true.......
I miss Curtis sooo much. I hate not being able to see him every day. This past week or so I haven't even stayed at my apt. I have been sleeping at his sister's house. I am always over there now. In between classes, before work, after work, at night. It's like I practically live there. I love being around them. I feel so welcome.
I wish things were they way they used to be, maybe in time they will be.
I think one of the hardest things to do in life is tell someone you truly love "no". I am not just talking about a certain thing. Anything in general. Just the fact of not being able to give them something they want.
A huge part of me is gone and I want it back. I wonder if i've lost it forever or if it's just for a while. I pray to God everyday to let me have it back. Just one more chance. I was soooo happy and ready. Now I just don't know. I need to figure out what to do. It feels like my heart has already made it's decision though. I know deep down inside I want to follow my heart but I am so scared. i am already hurting so much inside. I just want to go back to the way things were, but I know what happened and there is nothing I can do about it....
Have you ever noticed the more you try to pull away from something the more it holds on to you or sucks you back in. No matter what you do or what you say it's not gonna happen. You really have to have some will power in order to stay away. I am trying so hard to do that but it's just too difficult.
God these past couple of weeks have been so crazy. I am so lost and confused. I just want things to be back to the way they were. I have so many thoughts going through my mind. Whether I follow through with them or not is the real problem. I'd give anything to take it back. I really would. I am sooo sorry. I can't even explain the amount of pain I feel from all this. I hurt myself. I know that I am the reason for all this.
It seems like just talking to Curtis makes all the pain go away at that time. But then I hang up the phone and it all comes back......I love him so much, God I need to get my life straightened out.
I got to see Curtis today so that just completely made my day. I can't really describe that much, but honestly and truly just his presence was enough to make me smile. I worked at both jobs today, it wasn't too bad, i did a lot in both. I don't know where I got the energy to do it but I guess I just wanted to show my boss's that I was a good and hard worker. i am soo tired now though. I am debating on what i should do, maybe i should just go to sleep, who knows. I am so happy that cold weather is finally coming, i love winter.
Lately I have been hanging out with Curtis's sister Rhonda a lot. I love being over at her house and just chillin with her and her family. She makes me feel so welcome there. I think lately I haven't been wanting to be at home cuz i feel so lonely. oh well, i love her company so that's cool. I can't believe my sister is getting married in 9 days, so crazy.
Words couldn't even explain how much I miss you. God I wish you were here with me. I just want you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I just want to look in your eyes and lose myself. I feel so lost with school and everything that I need you to hold me and show me that everything is alright and that I'll get through this. I love you with all my heart and soul, you're on my mind 24-7, lately you wouldn't even believe the thoughts that have been going through my head......
Wow it's been a while since I've written. I guess mainly cuz i've been so busy and also because there hasn't really been anything exciting to write about. These past few days have been insane. Most of it felt like a nightmare and I was just begging for someone to wake me up, but unfortunately it was real and there was nothing i could do about it. It's amazing how love can really affect you and your life. Both good and bad. That person becomes a part of you and everything you do. They are your reason for everything. I know it sounds crazy, it truly is unexplainable. I have been so lost and haven't had a clue of what to do. Different things have been going through my head, thinking about what direction I want to go in now. I guess only time can tell. All i can do is pray to God and ask him to make everything alright. Please God oh please just fix everything!!!!!!
I am truly sorry. I know I should've gone about things a different way but it was an impulsive moment that should've have been stopped. I should've thought before I did anything and now I must pay for my actions.....
Last night me and curtis spent almost two hours on the phone together just trying to figure out what we are gonna do now. I finally told my mother about his daughter, surprisingly she was okay with it. She said as long as he treats me right, loves me, and doesn't hurt me that it's okay. Anyways, i better go. Time to start another loonnngggg day.
