I guess I could say that most of the day went good, but as time passed it got worse. Emotionally at least. A part of me just thought of going to sleep. I knew all the thoughts in my head wouldn't let me though. I fought the tears from coming down. I lost that fight. But I didn't let anyone see. I didn't want anyone to see me hurting. Especially see me crying. I have to be strong.


There isn't even any point in saying everything that's on my mind. It doesn't matter to anybody but me.

Okay, I've cooled down. Now if only I could get sleepy right now, that would be good. I have to say besides the spurs losing it has been a good day. It was pretty funny in the afternoon because my mom, sister, isaiah, and i were playing dodge ball in the house and my mom is usually like be careful cuz you might break something and she was the one that broke a glass. lol. I love that game. Anyways, I think I will just chill until i actually get sleepy. hopefully that will be soon. It's gonna be an interesting day tomorrow.

Fucking spurs. The refs sucked. You know there were some offensive fouls that the refs didn't call. That's a bunch of BS. It doesn't matter, the spurs are gonna win the series anyways. UGHHHHHHH, i am so pissed.

I noticed that there is a lot I didn't know about my family history. It's pretty interesting. I loved just listening to the stories and learning about my great grandparents and grandparents. I hope I get to learn more soon. I went to see my abuelos this morning. I love seeing my grandma. I can just talk in spanish with her forever. Lately I have been listening a lot to my tejano music again. Enjoying singing. Everyone remembers me singing at the restaurant and at the anniversary party, at my abuela's birthday. I miss that. They always ask why I didn't pursue singing. I wish I could've, but my stupid fear just got in the way. At least I can still sing to myself and my family. =) It's funny because I know I am always arguing with somebody about me not being mexican. But my grandma is mexican and I just love listening to her and what she has to say. I might not really be a mexican because i wasn't born in mexico but I must remember that I do come from a family of mexicans. Their lives have been so hard all their lives. I went to see my uncle yesterday (my mom's brother) and he made me feel really good. I have three cousins who have or are about to have babies. They are all a year younger than me. And he just looked at me and said he was so proud of me and that I was very smart and that I needed to get my education because not everyone has that opportunity. Especially coming from a mexican heritage. I would be the first in my family to get a college education. There are only two out of about 10 cousins that don't have babies and I am glad I am one of them. I have made a lot of stupid mistakes this past year and I know I have been given a second chance. I can't mess it up. I WONT. I have to make my family proud. I couldn't believe the things I learned. My mom and her siblings used to have to travel to california to work just to get food for their family. My mom's dad was a horrible man who treated my abuela like crap and even hit her. He had mistresses everywhere. He supposedly had almost like 20 kids. Six with my abuela, about 7 with his first wife, maybe like 5 with his second wife, and who knows how many with other mistresses. There is so much I can say, but I'll save it for another time. All my life I have grown up through a lot of hard times, but I am glad because that just made me stronger. I have lived without electrcity sometimes, I have lived without having food for a couple weeks, without hot water for about 3 years, and so much more. I mean wow, when I think about my life I can't believe it. This is the all the motivation I need to keep pushing me to work harder.



Como vives en el cielo,
vives en nuestro corazones
(Te amo abuela)

I am so tired. I spent most of the day in corpus and then we drove to hebbronville. We stopped by my abuela's grave. It was so weird because while we were there I got so dizzy. I felt like i was gonna faint. I literally almost fell but my mom caught me. I just kept remembering the times I spent with her. I miss her soooo much. Her laugh, her smile, everything. I miss her hands. I just remember holding her hand in the hospital and her just calling out my name in her sleep. The time has gone by so fast. A part of me can't help but think she is disappointed in me for everything that has happened. I have to make it up to her. I know she is watching me. We also stopped by and saw my mom's dads grave. He isn't priveleged to be called a grandfather. He was a horrible human being and I am glad I never met him. We spent like an hour and a half in hebbronville and then came back to laredo. I went to lie down but was hungry so I borrowed my future brother-in-law's truck and went to wendy's. Came back home and chilled. Looked up some things and chatted for a while. Now it is time for my beauty sleep. I must get on a good sleeping schedule. I know I am gonna be laying down for a good while till I go to sleep but hopefully it wont be that long.


I got a message today that totally made me smile. I loved it. Maybe if I am lucky I will get one tomorrow.

Perfect timing

Yesterday was my cousin's graduation. So we spent like 2 1/2 hours there and then went to eat. A couple of guys annoyed the hell out of me, but other than that it was fun. I ordered Caldo con arroz because i wasn't really hungry. Well I was excpecting a small bowl, I was wrong. They should put on the menu EXTRA LARGE BOWL. That thing was huge, no way did I even come close to eating half of it. In fact, I think I only ate like barely 1/4. Anyways, afterwards we came back to my aunt's house to change and then it was time to hit the parties. First we went to this girls house where there was a good amount of people and just chilled there. I was proud of myself because half of them were smoking and it was kind of tempting but I kept myself away from it =) Improvement. Then we decided to hit up Graham Central Station. There were so many people there. It was nice though. We all danced and just enjoyed the music. We stayed there for about an hour and then went to another party. Oohhh, and I drove a truck. How cool is that. I have always been kind of scared to drive a truck because they are sooo big. But I was like okay time to try it. Totally enjoyed it. There like seven of us in the car. So imagine me driving a truck, seven people talking all at once, raining, and me having no idea where I was going. lol. I have no clue about any of the streets in Corpus so I was just driving anywhere. I had so much fun. Then one of the guys annoyed the hell out of me. He thought he was actually getting somewhere with me but in reality I wanted to stop the truck and kick him out. Ugh. No point in talking about that. Anyways we made perfect timing when we got home because right when we stepped in the door the rain started to pour bad and then came along the lightning and thunder. This totally made for an adventurous night. I can just imagine me in houston next week. I probably wont even know how to get to my own place. HAHA. That'll be fun though. I can't wait.



Things are looking soooooo much better now. Thank you God!!! I don't know why I felt like that yesterday. But it's over now. I am back to smiling again. =)

What is wrong with me. I need to quit and now. I am so tired of this. But the pain just doesn't seem to go away. No matter what I do. It's there. And it feels like it's getting worse with every minute that passes. I never knew it could hurt so much. I really want to know why. Its a pain that make me sick. I gotta get my strength back. Let's see how the night goes.

What a day!!! How bout I just sum it up. I was woken up early, packed in hurry, took about a 10 minute nap, hit the road for corpus, went to a graduation, then a party, then another party, then to play pool, which afterwards ended up going to padre island, got stuck in the sand, pushed a car, got covered in sand, got a ride back to my aunt's in the back of a truck, where it was nice because the scenery was beautiful, but cold. All in all I have to say it was a fun and interesting day.



I guess the answer to a question I asked recently is no......

i love just going outside for a while and staring up at the sky. I think that's what I am waiting for. For the night to come so that I can just enjoy the sight of the beautiful moon and stars.

All morning long I have been listening to the sweetest songs. I love just listening to the words and picturing them being said to me. Such a wonderful dream. But that's all it is, a DREAM.

A wish upon a shooting star.....

What a night. It felt so good to see all my friends. it was like the whole group from high school. All of us girls were there and after a while all the guys came. We all just talked and hung out. I had forgotten how big our group was though. There was like 10 girls and like 12 guys. I am really glad that everyone went. I am suppose to get together with them before i leave next week. Hopefully i get to. Anyways now I have to pack and fast. I am leaving to Corpus in about less then an hour. Have a good weekend everyone. =)

There was but a brief moment that really upset me but there was nothing I could do about it. I just had to accept it and remember that they are just words. Anyways I feel a lil better now. I am about to get ready to go to a party. I haven't been out since I have been home so this should be interesting.


I still can't help but ask myself those questions. When will I accept it?

Today has started off kind of slow but nice. It's actually not so hot today, infact we are suppose to have a severe thunderstorm. I really hope it rains, we could use it over here. Looks like I gotta start getting my stuff together. =) Things are looking pretty good. Thank God!!!!

Okay so I seriously wish I knew more about computers. I am trying to get rid of all the stuff I don't need but that's kind of hard when you don't know what is important and what's not. That should be one goal for this year: to learn more about computers. Anyways, I don't really want to talk about certain things because I am afraid of jinxing it, so I am going to keep my mouth shut about it for now.


I am so happy that detroit lost tonight. They better not win the series. Once again my day was spent working out and cleaning along with running errands and a few other things. I am really starting to love my workouts. =) I can't wait till tomorrow.




Somehow it still matters......

So far so good.....I have to keep praying

Sometimes we learn the hard way about keeping certain words to ourselves. But hey at least we learn for the next time. In other cases, some people can make you feel so good by saying something sweet to you. =) anyways, today has been another great day, it was just full of laughs and smiles for me with the exception of one moment, but I rather not think of that. I spent the day mainly with my momma. We did some errands together and watch Freaky Friday and I helped her with the AVON. I spent some time outside just relaxing. Also spent some time with my beautiful cat and dog. Then I did my workout. It feels like I get a better workout everyday. The game was just awesome. It had me on my feet towards the end but what a lovely outcome.



If you were to ask me if I am going through changes I would definitely have to say yes. I was talking to a friend of mine online last time and it was funny cuz she was like "wow so this is the new kym". lol. and i was like yeah, sort of. i just needed to get things straight. Think more positive. Not let things get to me so much. I mean we can't control the majority of things that happen in our lives, but we can control the way we look at them. We just have to deal with them. I am fixing a lot in my life and I think that's why I have been in such good moods lately. I am not gonna lie there are still those little moments where I wish about certain things, but then it's the new part of me that says "kym come on don't think about it, just live for what you have right now. If something is gonna happen then it will in do time, if not then hey enjoy what you have and then maybe something better will come along." I can't explain completely on everything I have changed but as long as I can tell that's all that matters. I feel better about myself now. My smile that many people have complimented on before has come back. I feel like i am laughing every little while. I am joking around a lot more, always making people laugh and putting them in a better mood. I went through a phase where I thought just because I didn't have these few certain things in my life that there was no point in enjoying life, but now it's like what the hell was I thinking. I didn't need those things. And I still don't. There is still a few things I must fix and get adjusted too, but hey I am willing to work hard to fix them and I now have the patience to deal with all of it. I think one huge adjustment that I want to do is not read people's blogs all the time. I know it sounds crazy seeing as how i don't mind people reading mine, but I think sometimes i read or see things that I just wish I hadn't. I don't know. We'll see how I go about adjusting that situation. As far as appearance goes. If you know me really well then you know I hate the way I look. So I have finally taken charge of that and started working out, eating right, dyed my hair, and etc. I can honestly say I am really happy most of the time now. Everyone has their set backs sometimes so of course I have some, but I don't want to think about it anymore. As much as I wish for somethings to be, I can't spend my life hoping and wishing about it.


Tomorrow should be a good day. My mommy finally gave me her answer today and it was yes!!!!! So we are going to the car dealership tomorrow to talk to the guy and hopefully get my car already. YAY!!!! I might be a car owner by this week. I am praying so hard for it. This would be so good right now. Then the rest of my day should probably just be filled with working out and running errands. OMG, it's suppose to be 107 degrees tomorrow, so crazy. Oh well, can't do anything about it. Sweet dreams everyone!!!! I hope you all are having a great summer. =)

GO SPURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A GAME!!! YOU KNOW THE SPURS ARE GONNA TAKE IT ALL!! AND ROBERT HORRY WAS THE MAN TONIGHT!!

Today has been a really good day. I got up a little late, but just in time for my show. Then I went with my sister and mom to HEB to buy some groceries and then with my sis to pick up Isaiah from school. I came back and took care of some things and then did my daily workout. It felt so good. Then it was a nice COLD shower for me. I spent most of my day out on the street running errands. It was so damn hot, but hey that's laredo for ya. Then later on I watched a lifetime movie with my mom. Then I dyed my sisters hair and helped her with this tattoo hiding thing. She doesn't want her tattoo to show for her wedding so this should cover it up. Now I know I should go to bed, but I am not that tired yet. Tomorrow should be another good day. =) (At least i hope so)


I am feeling really good today, just completely smiling away. I love it!!! A day of laughs and smiles =)

I have such a headache right now. I think I just have too much on my mind. Anyways the night was okay. I mainly just took care of some things, did some job applications online. Talked to my brother about when I am gonna go spend time over there, which is in about a week in a half. If I get my car this week, which I pray to God I do, I am suppose to go to Corpus this weekend for my cousin's graduation. I think this week is just going to be crazy. There is no doubt in my mind that these next two weeks are gonna fly by. Wow, it's crazy. Only like 15 days left. I need to get my shit together and fast. I think I may actually go to sleep in a while. I am soooo tired. Last night's dreams were so good let's hope tonights are better.

GO SPURS!!!! Yup, the spurs took game one of the western finals. It was a good game. Brent Berry had an awesome game. He was 5-8 at the three point line. He had 21 points and 3 steals. All the spurs did good. Parker had 29 points. Horry has just been doing great throughtout the playoffs. Duncan had 27 points and 15 rebounds. Ginoboli about 20 points and 5 assists. He made a damn good half court shot to end the first quarter. i really enjoyed the game. I can't wait until Game 2.



This morning I woke up a little after 10am. I just laid there cuz I had something on my mind. It just left me feeling a little down, but after a couple of hours I finally got up and made myself work out. I gotta stop thinking about all this. It only makes me sad and I defititely don't want to feel like that. I need to do a few things today but it all has to be done online so I know the majority of my day will be a lil relaxing. At least I hope so.

Today has been a pretty long day. I already pretty much said what my first part of the day was like. Now the second part was a little crazier. The party I took Isaiah to was cute. They got to wear little masks of the incredibles and they even had the movie showing. Totally cute. I love that movie. The party was at M2K. It's this new place they built like a month ago. I played my dad air hockey. And it was really close. We both were playing good defense. It took us a while to score, but then i got on a role and scored like four straight. I won the first game. But my daddy came back on the second game and beat me 7-5. It was a good match. Afterwards, I went to the basketball thing to see if i could beat it's record. By like the third attempt I beat it. I only missed one stupid shot. So annoying. Anyways, we came straight home after the party and relaxed for a while. Then I took a shower and started getting ready for the wedding. We didn't even end up going till about 10pm. But it was nice. Then we went to the Tornabora. I really just wanted to leave but didn't say anything. Finally got home around 2am. I am pretty tired but I don't know if I'll go to sleep yet. I had like three conversations today that I can't get off my mind. I really hope my friends start feeling better. I hate when I can't really do anything for them. I know since tomorrow is sunday I should rest but I am defintely gonna have to work out. I harldy did anything today and I ate pizza and cake. I know I know. I am so ashamed. I have to work it off. Tomorrow shall be another long and hectic day, at least I think so.

Siento como todo lo dia fue hablando en espanol. Con cara persona que estaba hablando, no pobrian habla en ingles. Creo que es bueno porque nesecito practicar mi espanol tambien escribiando en espanol. yo se que no estoy poniendo cosas correctos. Me gusta hablar en espanol ha veces, cuando sabo que estoy diciendo. haha. Quiero practica todos los dias. No todo la dia, pero a veces hablar con alguien en espanol.

whew, that was a tiny bit hard. I know i didn't put certain things right, but it's a start. I really need to work on my spanish. Time to practice every now and then. At least that's the plan.



"Me duermo y me despierto siempre con sabor a ti, Aveces creo que no eres real, que voy a despertarme y no estaras"

Dame el secreto porfavor, nesecito saber como lo hiciste para olvidar

Well I actually got up at 8am. An hour later than i said, but at least I got up. Got ready and then me and my daddy went to look at the cars. There is one dealership that is willing to help us out so we are gonna go back and see what can be done. Please pray that everything works out. I really need this. *crosses fingers* Nothing means more than this right now. I am getting a short break right now, but I am gonna have to get ready to take Isaiah to a party. And then I have to come back and get ready for the wedding. Fun stuff!!!! I haven't really liked getting all dressed because of the way I look now, but I actually had fun getting dressed yesterday. So I know I will enjoy it tonight. I already have what I am going to wear. It's a beautiful black halter top dress. i have only worn it once. Then I think I will wear my hair straighted. Oh well, i'll see. Maybe I'll take a picture. =p

That's my brother and his baby Angel. Isn't he so cute. =)  

Today was fun. I woke up early as usual now and did my workout for the day. Then I went with my sister to pick up my mom's gift. Afterwards I came back to dye my hair and get ready. My sister took my momma out to lunch and shopping. I think I spent like three hours just to myself. I haven't really focused on me on a long time. It felt good. We went to Isaiah's game at 7. I love watching the little kids play. They are too cute. There was one kid that hit the ball really good and ran super fast. I was impressed. Then they had a little party at Pizza Hut after the game to distribute the trophies. I was debating whether or not to order breadsticks cuz I didn't want to spend money, but at the last minute just ordered them. Then when the guy brought them to me he told me not to worry about it, they were free. =) So cool!!! I was like wow, thanks. We came straight home afterwards and watched the dallas vs. phoenix game. Damn that was a good fourth quarter. Freakin Nash got lucky. Ugh, I can't believe he made that last shot. Oh well. The spurs will get them. Tomorrow should be another long day. I gotta get up at 8am cuz I am going to go check out some cars. How fun!!! It's so freakin hard though. I wish I could just find a car, buy it, and that's it. But noooooo, it's all so difficult. But anyways, yeah, after that I can come home maybe take a nap and then take Isaiah to a party and then get ready for a wedding. what a fun day I have planned......Please feel free to text me at any moment. as many times as you want. I know I am going to be really bored.

I am getting really frustrated that I can't type in color anymore. Anyways my day was spent mainly cleaning and working out. I had woken up at 7am to go to my nephews award ceremony and then came back home. Me and my sister started cleaning the room because it was a huge mess with all my things that I brought. but we got it all clean. Then I took care of the kids so that my parents could go run some errands. My momma needed to go do some more stuff so i took her. I really hate how hot it is here. It's killing me. We got back around 7 and ate dinner. Then I was so exhausted that I just decided to take a nap. It was really short though cuz i was watching the indiana vs. detroit game. No comment. Now I am watching the spurs game. I really hope they win. But let's see how they do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!!!!!!!

OMG. Totally laughing right now. I just had a really memorable moment that is going to bring so many laughs to the family every now and then.

The rest of my day went pretty well. I spent some time doing errands and then got some good news. Afterwards, my sister convinced me to burn her a cd. I guess I was being in a giving mood to let her use one of my cds. =p Then I drove to HEB to get some snacks for Isaiah's baseball team. All the parents take turn buying snacks for the kids and it was our turn. So I went with my sister and my mom to the practice and actually had a little fun. They are so cute to watch. I helped Isaiah practice hitting and catching. After that we came back and I watched the game. Stupid Dallas blew it. Ugh, I don't want to talk about the game. Anyways I have been doing crunches on and off today so I am going to do some more in a while and also some taebo once my sister and mom are done with the avon in the living room. All in all it's been a good day. Gotta get ready to wake up at 7am tomorrow. It shouldn't be that hard, I think I am getting used to it.

So I guess the good thing would be that I have actually been getting my beatuy sleep. I think for the past few days I have been going to sleep before 2am and waking up between 7-9am. It's something I am going to have to get used to. My parents babysit two kids, both two years old so I get to play with them and take care of them as well. This morning my parents had to go pay a bill and went to go give blood so lucky me got to wake up at 9am to take care of danny. The other baby didn't come today. Danny is totally adorable but so hyper. Oh well, I guess it's a good thing that I have been up since then, that way I will actually be tired by the end of the day. So many things that need to be done.....ugh, these are going to be long long days.

I know this is the beginning of a long and hard process, but what else can I do? I felt this way for too long and sometimes you just have to trust in faith and believe that everything will turn out okay. You can't just keep living your life dreaming and hoping that your one wish will come true. If it's meant to happen than it will. At least that's what I believe. I have been through my fair share of hard obstacles and I am still standing. I have to look at that and see that I am a strong human being and as long as i believe I can accomplish anything. The only thing I want to focus on right now is school and work. I am too scared for anything else. This past year sent me through a rollercoaster that at times was fun but at other points was scary as hell. The pain wont go away. No matter how hard I try but I must learn to live with it. I must value what I have and not wish for more. That's just being selfish. I know there are tons of things wrong with me and that's what failed, or in other terms just wasn't enough for a lot of things. People are always trying to change. I know I have tried it numerous times. And here I go with another attempt. Hopefully, there will be a better outcome to this change. Both physically and mentally. And then maybe I will be just ENOUGH for this crazy world thats built for both pain and happiness.....




"I don't know what it is that you've done to me
But it's caused me to act in such a crazy way
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you're doing
It's a feeling that I want to stay
'Cuz my heart starts beating triple time
With thoughts of lovin' you on my mind
I can't figure out just what to do
When the cause and cure is you"

I wish someone could just tell me what the future holds or what I need to do and what possiblities stand before me...

There are soooo many things that I had running through my mind that I just wanted to let out these past few days. Now I am here able to write and my mind is blank at points and filled with too much at others. When I left College Station on thursday there were so many things that stuck to me that I just didn't know what to do. The trip back to my brothers was about 3 hours. Not that bad. I am glad I got to spend those couple of days with my nephews. I missed them so much. They have grown up so fast and they are soooo adorable. I love kids especially my babies =) I spent time with my sister in law and the kids while my brother was at work. He has the cuties puppies, sadly one got runned over yesterday =( She was so cute too. How sad. Well, my brother brought me home on saturday and the trip seemed like it was taking forever. I think it was just that I really hated being on the road at most points because I kept having this thought in my head that kept bothering me. I just wanted it to go away. We unloaded all my stuff and I just hung out with the family. Couldn't sleep that one night. Too busy thinking about the future. The next day I was woken up around 10 am thanks to my lovely sister who seems to be an early bird now. Sucks for me seeing as how I am staying in her room for these next few weeks. Of course my daddy made me breakfast seeing as how it was my first day back. Oh well, I can't really sum up the days that much because i have something truly bothering me right now. My mind is just filled with painful thoughts and sad memories. But that's life right. You can't always get what you dream of. I am fine though. I need to learn how to be tough again. I just keep trying to remember how before i didn't let anything get to me. It's seems as if these past couple of months I have being trying too hard to become the person I used to be when in reality i just figured i can't go back to that person. All I can do is make myself a better person now. I have slowly been doing better but it's going to be a looonnnggg and challenging process. I need to cut certain things, people, habits, memories, feelings out of my life. As much as it hurts and kills me inside it's just something that I have to do.




Why did it take so much for me to realize what I had to do?

Well, I spent most of my day packing. I am pretty much done now. I should be out of here in about 4 hours. Goodbye to everything, especially bad memories. Things are kind of okay for me right now. There is one thing that is bothering me but hopefully i'll get over it. I should be back in laredo tomorrow or saturday. Such a looonnnng day. And it's only 3. Not to mention I am sick =( I hate this.

Wow, this made for an interesting night. I wasn't gonna go to the Kappa party but changed my mind at the last minute. It was pretty cool because they didn't charge me, I guess I am just that cute =p Anyways it started off slow but the next thing I knew it was packed and soooo hot in there. I really didn't know that many people but Tricia introduced me to a lot, which was cool. I had tons of fun tonight. We were all enjoying ourselves and dancing when the next thing I know I was being pushed away because there was a fight going on. It was crazy, everyone just backed off. Then after like 15-20 minutes (i think) they started playing music again and we all just started dancing. Me and Latrina were just there when another fight started and we were lucky we didn't get pushed or something cuz it happened right in front of us. but we got away just in time. I turned around and saw the guys face and was like omg. Ugh, he like an open cut above his eye and was bleeding. I didn't even want to look at it anymore. eh. Crazy night. But I do have to say that I had fun. I needed to get my mind off certain things and this helped. =)

Just one more final and I will finallly be done. I really couldn't concentrate when it came to studying so I am going to need a lot of luck. I just didn't like reading what I had to. Today has been full of moods for me. One minute I am scared, the next i am happy, than sad, lonely, cheeful, omg, too many moods. Now I am just a little down. I just want to take this final and come relax.

The silent tears and the hidden truth are slowly killing me inside, but I have to be strong. I need to get through this, for me and my family.

totally frustrated

Two hours and 10 minutes. Damn that test took forever. I am not sure exactly how I did but I am hoping I passed. I think I did okay. I don't want to jinx myself though. Now I need to go run some errands and get to studying for my health final tomorrow. I have tons to read for the exam.

I am going through something so hard right now and I don't know exactly how to get through it. In fact, there is more than one rough thing that I am dealing with. How the hell am I suppose to get through all this? I know deep down inside that I am a strong person but lately I have been feeling so weak. All I can do is pray and keep my faith. But is that enough? Is there anything else that I can do. Other than all these personal things, there is gonna be another obstacle to get through. One that I think is just as hard as the others. I have dealt with this one for a long time so I am sure I'll be fine. I can do this. I know I can.

Two more days and I'll be out of here. Thank God!!!!

here i go. it's do or die.




Why do i even bother?

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I went home on Friday to go spend time with my family and to look for a car. I ended up spending like an hour and a half in san antonio because i ate lunch with an old friend. I got to laredo around 10, i think. Anyways, when I got there everyone was sitting outside and just enjoying the fresh air. I could sense something was wrong though. And I was right. I got the worse news I could ask for. Unfortunately, I am sorry I can't say what it is, but lets just say it is definitely not good. My family seriously needs some prayers and a miracle. I don't know why it happened but if I could I would make this situation disappear in a second. Like I have always said I don't care what happens to me, as long as my family is okay then I am good. I am soooo glad I went home this weekend. They really needed me. I couldn't do much but I am glad that just my presence was helpful. My brother even went home for the weekend. The whole family just had a nice cookout and just spent time together. On Saturday, I got up around 12 because people wouldn't stop buggin me. I was so sleepy but oh well. I got up and took a shower. Then I decided to go run some errands. My brother and nephew joined me. It was really nice to finally spend some time with my brother. We hardly get to do that. later on that night we did pretty much the same thing and had a cookout and then watched the game. I ended up going and locking myself in my parents room to study. I didn't go to sleep until about 4:30 or so. It's a good thing that I actually got some studying done. I needed to. On sunday, I decided to enjoy my time with my baby. We played a few games together and then I took him with me to go visit my grandparents and my second mom. I love going and seeing my grandma. We talked for a while and just discussed the situation with the family. Then we talked about how I was doing and my plans for the summer. I love that she is always there for me and understands me. I finally got home around 5 or 6 and then just enjoyed being with my parents. They made some good food. Some home made chicken strips with fries and corn. Ooh, it was delicious. Then I started to pack up and left around 10:30 or so. I got back to CS around 2:50. such good timing =) I didn't get any sleep last night. And i don't know when i will. Hopefully I can get a nap in some time soon. But I seriously need to study. And I need to make a trip to Verizon because my stupid phone is still messing up. Ugh, damn verizon.

Just three more days and I will be out of here. And I get my car next week. Things are slowly getting better. I will definitely miss some things though. But there is nothing that can be done about that so I wont even spend time talking about it.

I actually got some sleep last night so that's a good thing. It was only about 3 hours but that's better than nothing. I got up around 5:30 and started watching Alias. Damn it. I told myself not to watch it so that I wouldn't get stuck on it. I am not stuck on it yet and I think as long as I don't watch it again I'll be okay. Afterwards, I went to go get some breakfast. I don't know if I am losing my appetite or not. The past couple of days I just really haven't been in the mood to eat. Now I need to get my stuff all together. Hopefully I'll be out of here by 1:30. A 5 1/2 hour drive. Piece of cake. =)

What a long night. I got some studying done. I just wish I had some energy to do more. But i am still exhausted so I need to get at least a couple hours of sleep before my 5 1/2 hour drive tomorrow. Hopefully I can sleep for about 4 hours. I am definitely gonna need to be awake and energized in the morning.

I am sooo tired. I can feel my body just hurting and telling me to get some sleep. But can I? NO!!! I have so much shit to do and it's getting so fucking frustrating. Other things aren't helping either. But you know what fuck it. Just let it be.


GO HOUSTON!!!!!

Alright well today started off bad because I didn't get to go home as planned but as the day started going it got better. I chilled with my gurls in my room and we all just talked and listened to music. It was fun. They always know how to make me feel better. I got some studying done with Kia and then Matt came with us to Sigma Sizzle. It was fun. There were different frats and sororities that performed. There was free food there but I wasn't really that hungry so I didn't get anything. I had a good time. I like just chatting with people and dancing. Afterwards, we all came back in time to watch the game.

Derek: Heat is gonna take it all
Deleon: nah the suns are gonna take it all
Kia: I'm going for the Heat to take it all
Kym: The spurs are gonna win it all
Kia: no the heat is gonna win
Deleon: the heat can't win without the sun because the sun provides the heat
Everybody: ha ha ha haha ha ha

Me and Kia were like uh okay that has nothing to do with basketball but aight. lol.

Ask me if I am upset right now and I would say HELL YEAH!!!!!!!

Today has just been filled with fun. I got up around 12:30 and just chilled for a while. Then Ashley came to pick me and Kia up to go buy some shaving cream and water balloons. It took us about 2 hours to finish putting water in the balloons. It was all worth it though. We got back to the dorms around 6:10 and waited for a few people. Then it started. Of course it was guys vs. girls. At first the girls were doing pretty good cuz we weren't allowing the guys to get the balloons but they found a way to them and then it was down hill for us girls. Especially me. I swear the guys were out to get me. The guys included Derek, Jarrett, Jeremy, Bryan, and a couple of other guys. Tray, Townsend, and Randy joined us later oh and so did Tennessee. There wasn't that many girls. Only four of us. So we were greatly outnumbered. There was one point where Jeremy had me down on the floor and all the guys just came and got me. I was drenched with shaving cream and water. It was pretty funny though. Afterwards we all decided to go swimming at the rec. I actually got in the pool that was 17 feet deep. It was soo scary. But I did it. =) Then we chilled in the spa. Totally relaxing. I needed it. After that Kia, Derek, Townsend, and me ate some pizza and watched The Ladies Man. That was a funny movie. I really liked it. Then it was finally time to start cleaning and packing. I am still not done. But I know I need sleep before that long drive tomorrow. Lets hope this weekend goes as good as I hope.

Today has just been soooo fun. I woke up and went to class which went by fast so that was cool. Then after that I went to the mall to look at some things. I came back and hung out with Kia and Ashley for a while. Afterwards I got ready for the Regents Scholar banquet. I only stayed for an hour though so that I could go help get things ready for Matt's surprise party. It turned out really good. His brother and sister came in from houston and a few friends stopped by. And we really surprised him. We ate, then sang happy birthday, and then all played pool. The sucky part was that I was in a dress because of the banquet. I started a new fashion. A formal dress and bowling shoes. OMG. I looked sooo ridiculous, but it was funny. I am not really good at bowling so of course I kept missing my first few times. Then I actually started to get the hang of it. I was sooo surprised cuz the second game I bowled a 107. That is so cool. Then it was time to leave. Marlene, Matt, Candi, and me came back to Matt's room and chilled for a while. A while later Matt and me went to play pool. NO COMMENT!!!!! I had a lot of fun, but damn I did horrible. Now I know I should go to sleep but like always I just got some energy back in me so it looks like I am gonna be up for a good while.

Another night without any sleep. That seriously needs to be fixed. I stayed up watching different episodes of the simpsons. I should have never gotten stuck on them. But too late. They are just too funny. Anyways I ended up going and eating breakfast with Matt. I love having breakfast. =) Afterwards I came to my bed and finally fell asleep. I guess four hours of sleep isn't that bad. But hopefully I'll get more tonight. Now I need to go to class for one last time. Only 1 1/2 more weeks. I can do this.

This has just been a really good day. I can't even sum it up on how good it's been. I just thank God for it. =) Everything is great in my life right now. No complaints whatsoever. Let's hope tomorrow is the same. I love just being able to laugh and smile all the time. There might have been a few times when i wasn't completely smiling and that's when the spurs were close to losing and when the guys started to talk about Iverson. Other than that my smile lasted through the day.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATTHEW!!!!!!!!!! =)

Thank God my prayers were answered. I don't know what I would've done. i don't even want to think about it. It was like my world had just gone blank. Everything was so dark. I was finally able to fall asleep around 5am. Woke up at around 12 and called my mom to see what was going on. She let me know my daddy was fine. Then she gave me the best news. My brother is coming today. =) I was truly debating whether to go to class or not but at the last minute decided to. It's a damn good thing i went to. She let us know what exactly was on the final and what to study. I had called my brother before class though to see what time he was gonna come in and he said two hours so he should be here around 5. Then just when i thought nothing else could make my day he let me know that one of my nephews was with him. My baby Andrew (AJ). He is sooooo adorable. He's only three years old and so cute. I can't wait to see them. I really need to try to get some work done today. I might have to stay up late tonight to get some studying done. Then I plan to go to my class at 8am tomorrow so it's gonna be a long night. I just want to say thanks to my friends. They really helped me out a lot last night. I don't know what I would do without all my friends.

A bright new life

When despair fills your weary soul
And there's just no way to cope;
When you think your life is over
And you see no ray of hope...
A light shines forth in the darkness
That will brighten your pathway...
It will bring down heaven's glory
And a brand new, happy day.
It's the Light of our Lord Jesus,
Precious Saviour, God and King;
His grace is free to all who bow
At the cross...their sins to bring.
This wonderful grace and mercy
Will free your spirit to sing...
Praises to God in the highest,
As you worship your great King.
The valleys won't seem so deep,
For you'll never walk alone;
You'll always have a perfect peace
And joy like you've never known.
Oh, friend, when you come to the end,
A new day awaits your soul...
The Saviour's there to pardon you,
He will cleanse and make you whole.
Just come to the cross of Calvary
And lay it all down at His feet...
You'll find amazing grace in Christ,
And A Bright New Life so sweet.

-Connie Cambell Bratcher-

Jesus said: "...I have come that they might have life,
and that they might have it more abundantly."
"In him was life; and the life was the light of men."
(John 10:10b; John 1:4)

Please just answer my prayers. I'll do anything, just let my dad be okay.

Wow I really didn't think I was gonna wake up since I was so tired. I made sure to set my alarm though so I could wake up for the game and I woke up just in time. Fucking sixers. They were winning throughout the whole game and they decide to blow it with less than a minute to go. They could've won it in the fourth quarter but no Green had to miss his free throw. Then in overtime they just let the pistons take it away. I am proud of my boy though, he did good as usual. It's not over yet. We can still come back.

Complicated

One day I feel like my world has crashed. The next day I am feeling good. I think my life in general is just so complicated. From my family to school to my friends to love. Everything is confusing. But it's moments like these that remind me that hey I am still alive. I am okay. Words might hurt, memories can keep appearing, and problems can keep arising, but God will always pick me up and help me move on.

Today has just been getting better as time passes. I went over to Marlene's and ate lunch with her and then we met up with Matt at Rudder to watch Fade to Black. It was alright. I expected more from it though. Afterwards we all went our seperate ways. I came back and watched the spurs game, which I have to say that they won (of course). Tomorrow the sixers play, hopefully they pull off another win. I started cleaning up today. Mainly packing. My desk is pretty much empty already. There is only one drawer with things in it. I took down the sayings in my room and other little things. I have so much to do this week. It's gonna be so hectic. These next two weeks should fly by really fast. I can't wait. I am so anxious for this semester to be over already. This was definitely not a good semester. Too much shit went on. I really hope the summer has a lot of good things in store for me. I am looking forward to it. Things with my family are okay now. My brother finally moved to Victoria and his wife and kids should be there tomorrow. I hope when i finally get settled in houston I will be able to have my babies for a weekend or two. I love kids soooo much. I miss all my nephews. As for everything going on with my friends I guess I can say they are alright. Some hard feelings here and there but maybe in time they will all be resolved. At least that's what I am hoping for. School is going alright. I got a 93 in my project for PLAN and an 84 on my last exam. I really need to start studying though. I should be going to the SCC tomorrow at around noon so that I can get some studying done before the game. Okay nevermind the game is at 12. I will study afterwards. Then I need to finish cleaning up. Tomorrow shall be a LONG day.

My thoughts have been revolving around how things are in my life and what I need to change. There are certain things that need to be cut out of my life. Everything that influences negative things such as drinking and smoking. I am trying my best to stay away from it. I miss the closeness between me and my family so I plan on fixing that. Hopefully, it will be fixed this weekend. As far as things with me personally and emotionally I have been doing alright. I've learned to cope with the way things are. I know that I must let fate take its course and not try to force things. If it happens it happens. Only my angels and my God know what's in store for me. I really don't know what is with me right now. I have this smile on my face and this unexplainable feeling. I just feel totally relaxed and don't have a single thing to worry about right now. Nothing bothers me. Maybe this is a new start, who knows. I have been trying to get pass this starting line for the past couple of months maybe I finally heard the shot that's telling me to go. I sit here thinking about my grandmother and my aunt and I can't help but miss them soooo much. I remember just sitting there with my grandmother in her hospital bed and her just telling me so many different things. But the one thing that I will always remember is holding her hand and then realizing that I got my hands from her. Then as I remember my aunt I remember visiting her while she was laying in her bed. She was crying because she knew it was almost time. Every word that she said to me has stuck in my head. She told me what a beautiful and sweet person I was and that my mother was so lucky to have me. Now I hear those words in my head and wonder what happened to that person. To that sweet and pure child whom everyone loved. Just because something was stolen from me doesn't mean I had to let my goodness and happiness go as well. As of right now I know I have let my grandmother and my aunt down. They are watching me from heaven and I can picture them being disappointed in me and I don't want that anymore. I want them to look at me and remember how proud they were of me. Remember the girl whom they were proud to call their grandaughter and niece. Let's see if that person can come back. As of this point I must start new. And I mean it. Things have to get better. Everything needs to be refreshed. Especially trust......