Just thought I would share this poem with everybody. I really like it.

A Dreamer's Dream

"When you allow angels to be part of your life, miracles truly
happen."
A loving angel came to me in dreams.
She showed me life's not always what it seems,
And brought me to a place where sweet dreams live.
She gave to me a gift that I now give,
A Dreamer's Dream.
She whispered, "Take my hand and I will lead you through A place where
only sweet dreams can come true.
Close your eyes and open up your heart,
For then this flight of dreams so sweet can start.
Dream, Dreamer, Dream."
She brought me through the darkness to the Light,
Where colors wrapped around me, such delight.
A patchwork quilt of beauty without seams,
Each color was a rainbow full of dreams.
Dreamer's Dreams.
She led me through a hallway of pure sound,
With doors flung open widely all around.
And from each room a song would gently play.
I wished with all my heart that I could stay,
In this Dreamer's Dream.
But we drifted in the fragrance of the breeze,
To savor all the flowers and the trees.
We tasted all of life that we could see,
And felt it flow as one in harmony.....
We Dreamed this Dreamer's Dream.
Then my angel turned her eyes to me and said,
"You're the Keeper of these Dreams inside your head.
Find sweet Dreamers, who would Dream of Love and Light, These Dreams
will lead them safely through the night.
Help these Dreamers Dream."
And so I am the Keeper of this Dream, it's true,
But I offer all my Dreams to each of you.
May their loving sweetness visit you each night
And fill your soul with Love and Warmth and Light.
Dream, Dreamers, Dream!

-Unknown-

Yesterday was just filled with so much hurt. Like I had said the plan was to stay in my room all day. Hide myself from everything and from everybody. But after the game I got a call to go to Spoken Word. I really wanted to say no, but something kept telling me to go. I went and I am glad I did. The poets words were soo strong. I didn't want it to end. I enjoyed every moment of it. I just wish I would have been there since it started. I really love just listening to the words of other people. Such great poets. They had cds and books for sale so I bought a cd. If I would've had more money I would have definitely bought another cd and a book. Matt bought like three cds and a book. Afterwards, Daarina, Marlene, Matt, and me went to Rumours. I was gonna come back to the room, but decided to join them. I spent most of the time reading the book. There was one poem there that hit me really hard. I closed the book for a second but then continued on. It explained exactly how I felt. The words were so powerful. After we finished eating we all went back to our rooms. I pretty much just laid in my bed and listened to music. I then decided to go for a walk. It was sooooo cold outside. I stopped by the commons and watched Matt and Stephen play pool for a while, then came back to the room. I tried so hard to fall asleep but couldn't. The pictures just didn't leave.

Now it's a new day. I spent the whole morning asleep but hey I have the rest of the afternoon and evening. Lets hope this day goes by a lot smoother.

What is it about the word no that people don't understand?

The feeling is back and I am trying so hard to make it disappear. There really is nothing I can do. Just lay here and try to clear my mind. Try to erase the pictures and memories that keep replaying in my head. I need to stay away from everything and everyone. At least while I am like this. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better. The feeling will be gone and then I can remember to move on. It seems every time I think it's finally going away it comes back like 10 times harder. Making sure I don't forget. Reminding me of every detail that has stayed in my mind. The tears are running down my face. A part of me wants someone here to comfort me. To tell me I am okay. But the other part knows I should stay away. I don't want others to see me like this. They shouldn't have to worry. It's already going to be a year since it happened. I survived this long and I will continue surviving. In my heart I know I will be fine. It's just gonna take time.

My day has definitely not been one of the best. I knew I wouldn't be such good company so I pretty much kept myself in my room the whole day. The only time I went out was to go to class and run an errand. After that it was back to my room. Did some research on some things and then laid on my bed. I took about a half hour nap and then got up in time for the game. and it was a hell of a game. DAMN!!! I knew my boys would pull it off tonight. Especially my boy AI. He had 37 pts, 15 assists, 2 steals, 5-6 at the free throw line, and hit 15-26. Hell yeah!! Nobody could stop him. It looks like he had the answer to all the questions tonight. OOh and boy did webber do good tonight as well. But the person that shocked me the most was Andre Iguodala. He had 13 pts, was 4-6, 3-4 at the three point line, and had 5 steals. They totally put me in a better mood tonight. Thank you Sixers. Now lets get ready for GAME 4!!!!!!

I just want this day to end already.

My decision definitely had a toll on me this morning. I felt horrible. I am not so sure it had to do with it but that's the only thing that would explain it. Anyways I got up and knew I had to take care of a lot of things. So I hurried up and got ready and headed out. I had so much energy. I am really proud of myself for getting a lot of the things i needed to do done. There still a lot though. But I should be able to take care of them by the end of this week. There is a huge possibility that I will be going home next weekend so I guess that's good. I already started packing and getting stuff together. By the time I know it I will be out of College Station and away from all the bad shit. I don't know what this summer has in store for me but I am hoping it's good. It will be almost exactly one year. I can't believe it. I was fine around this time last year. I was me. Not scared, not lonely, and pure. Now I don't really know what I am. I will take this summer to rebuild myself. Make myself stronger. Gain courage. Everything. I want it all back. I will get it back.

I definitely didn't see this coming. I had to make a decision about this though and I went with it. I don't know if it was the right one or not but only time will tell. We'll see what happens. Anyways today has been a pretty relaxing day. At least the afternoon and evening was. The morning was just crazy. Basketball sucked!!!!! Totally no comment about any of the games. UGH!!! Anyways, there are still a couple of very important decisions to make. Let's hope those go good.

I don't know whether or not to do it. But I guess in reality this would be the best decision. Maybe it's a blessing a disguise, who knows. At least most of the outcomes are really good. My decision has to be made by today. Oh well, time to get my shit together.

I woke up around 12:30 and got ready to go take my exam. I don't know how good I did but I am pretty sure I passed. Afterwards I went to my math class which was alright. Learned some new stuff. I have to get ready for the quiz on wednesday. Anyways afterwards I sat outside the commons for a while and just thought about everything. Then I got myself a mocha and just looked up different things in the newspaper. I have some things going through my head which are really helping me out right now. I still haven't made a decision about one things but we'll see what happens. I came back and took a shower and made it just on time to watch the simpsons. I remember when I never watched that show. Now it seems like I am always trying to make it back to the dorm in time to watch it. Crazy. I pretty much have just been relaxing. I did my math homework already so that I wouldn't have to do it tomorrow. I still have some work I gotta do tonight but knowing me I wont start doing it until really late at night. It's not that much. At least I don't think it will take me that long. Well now it's time for the houston game. I really don't care who wins. But it's still fun to watch!!! =)

Well this day has been a day of ups and downs. One minute everything will be perfect and the next minute everything is messed up. I have felt a lot of pain, joy, sorrow, and happiness today. There were a few laughs here and there. As it got later in the night things started to go down hill. It's amazing how much words can hurt. But once they are said they can't be taken back. I was looking over some things today. Some stuff that I just keep for memories. Even some old text messages. I really can't say how I felt when I looked at these things. Anyways, I am so lucky to have Candi as my best friend. She always knows what to say or do to make me feel better. When she got back she knew I needed to go out so we went outside and just talked about everything. I started crying and she just calmed me down. Now and days she feels like the only person I can go to. I mean there is one other person but they weren't around. I don't know what I would do without my best friends. love ya guys!!!! Afterwards we went to the commonds and hung out there for a while. We watched Matt, Stephen, and Tennessee play pool. It was pretty funny. I was still emotional but being there helped me get my mind off things. I played Matt a few games after everyone left and then came back to the dorm. I spent some time with my dad and just talked. It wasn't bad. I am glad I got the opportunity to talk to him. =) Anyways there is no telling whether I am going to bed right now or not. I really should though.

Today started off alright. I went to the mall with my parents and we just looked around. Talked about different things. Turns out they are making an $11 million theatre in laredo. Crazy. I think it's suppose to have like 14 rooms or something like that. We then went to pick up Jeannie and went to walk around Target. I had been craving tapioca so I dropped my parents off and picked up Matt and Marlene so that we could go get some. We had to hurry though because we were going to church at 5:30pm. After church we came back to the dorm for a while and then went over to Clare's to decide what we were gonna eat. We decided on Mexican food. I had dropped Matt and Marlene off earlier before church so we went to pick them up again so that they could go eat with us. I was really praying for a good time. That's all I wanted was for everyone to enjoy themselves and have fun. Instead it was a time of silence, stress, headaches, insecurity, and tension. I can't even completely explain the feelings I was having or even describe the scenario i was in. I got really sick at one point and just had to get up and get away from everything. I could feel the tears just begging to come out, but there was no way I was gonna set them free. I started wishing that I could just disappear. Get away from everything and everyone. The feeling of loneliness was definitely on me tonight, still is. I hate it when I feel like I have no one to go to. When there is just nothing but suffocation going on. No one to help me out or tell me that I will get through this. NOBODY!!!!

Today has been a good day. Except for the fact that the sixers lost but let's not get into that. Anyways my parents came into town around 6:30pm. I was pretty nervous about it just because I didn't know what to expect, but so far it has been a really good time. We went to get some ice cream which I had been craving for a while. That strawberry with gummi bears is just delicious =) Then we went to Wal-Mart to get me some stuff I needed and then to HEB to get me some food for the dorm. All I have to say is that my parents do spoil me. =) Afterwards we got some pizza and came back and watched some of the seattle vs. sacramento game. Once we finished eating we went to the commons to play pool. Matt came and joined us and later on Greg went. Stephen was already there playing so Matt and him played a game and then my dad started playing against them. I played for a while. My mom started saying how she could beat me and that I wasn't good so I took her challenge and won. =p Then my mom and me decided to go play ping pong. She loves that game. I one the first two games pretty easily but then that third one was a tough one. I was losing 10-2 and came back to win it 15-14. That was soooo much fun. I loved it. We all plan to go back tomorrow and continue playing. My mom says she's gonna get me back tomorrow but we'll see about that. I also plan on actually playing my dad pool tomorrow. I am really glad they came. So far the time has been filled with lots of laughs. =)

Yesterday was a relaxing day. I hung out with Matt and Marlene for a while and then went to shoot pool with Matt. I did alright. I am getting a lot better. Matt showed me a better way of breaking which made me happy cuz now when i break the balls actually move somewhere. I got up around 12:20pm and told myself I needed to hurry up and clean my room that way I could spend the rest of my day watching the playoffs. My parents are suppose to be coming around 6:30pm. I really don't know what to expect. I am just gonna let things be. Whatever happens happens. Man I hope the sixers win today. I think it would totally ruin my day if they lost. Well I better get to cleaning my room because the game starts in about 36 minutes.

Today has been alright. Better than yesterday. I actually got some good news. =) I am feeling a lot better. Anyways I got up around 12:00 and just laid in my bed for a while. Went to get lunch and then studied for my math quiz. I went to class which was cool cuz it only lasted about 25 minutes. I took my quiz and left. I had another test to take today but they are letting me take it on Monday so that totally made my day!!!! I also found out my parents are coming tomorrow. It can either turn out really good or really bad. I have no clue. I am suppose to relax today and rest. But I know for sure I have to clean my room since my parents are coming. It needed to be cleaned anyways. I need to start packing some stuff also. It will be good to go through everything. Alright well I guess I will just chill for a while. Thank God it's friday =) !!!!!!!

I don't have the words to explain to night. And if I did they wouldn't be good. Anyways the majority of the day has been cool. Candi and me spent a lot of time with each other which is always fun =). I have been in pain a lot today, but I am tough. I can handle it. Right now I am either going to bed or gonna just chill. Don't know which one yet.

So much to do and so little time to do it. I woke up at 8am and went to get breakfast. Then I went to class which was completely boring, but my wish came true and we got out early. I then had about 30 minutes to do nothing before my appointment. All I have to say is that damn I had a wake up call. I should've known. But i need to keep my faith and tell myself it's not too late. At least I hope not. We'll see what happens. Ugh, now i gotta get ready to go run my mile. = s Please let me do okay.....

Man i was so in the mood to write tonight. I just had all these things going through my head. I got to writing this one thing but it needs some work so we'll see when I finish with it. i seriously need to get some sleep.


So many thoughts, so little words, so many actions and it's all caused by fear.

"To love someone you must respect them and their wishes."

I just couldn't sleep last night. I think I woke up like every couple of hours. It sucked. The pain just wouldn't stop. I got up at 7am and went to my appointment. All I can say is at least I am not dying. Anyways, I am sooooo hungry right now. I wish I could eat something but I can't so I will either try to get more sleep or just keep myself busy doing other things.

Time to actually sleep. finally =) I have to wake up in 8 hrs. Ugh, and it's definitely not something I am looking forward to go and doing. Let's hope everything in this case turns out okay. Please God answer my prayers!!!!! Goodnight and Sweet Dreams

I only got about 3 hrs of sleep last night. Woke up at 7am so that I could finally get some breakfast. I had been wanting breakfast for such a long time now. That totally made me happy. Then I came back did my research and got all my information together. Went to my first meeting at 9am. Got some good advice and help. Then did some more research and made lots of phone calls. Then went to my second meeting at 10:30. I ran into Katelyn on the way. It felt so good to see her again. She always knows how to put someone in a better mood. She walked with me to my appointment and then took off. Got a lot of interesting advice in that meeting. There are sooo many helpful people here on campus. I am lucky. Anyways I then continued doing all things I needed to. Walked pretty much every where on campus. I guess it was a good work out. Then I went to my kickboxing class where omg did I have a good workout. It was pretty cool because today we had a student teach the class and damn is she good. She really worked us. I wasn't in such a good mood through most of the time, but I calmed down with the workout and slowly started getting in a better mood. =) Now I will finally relax and enjoy the rest of my day. Until I have to do my stupid math homework. ugh. Oh well.

Tonight started off a little bumpy but then Britt asked if I wanted to go play pool. I went there and played a few games with Matt and then started playing against her. It started off as the best of 5. I won 3-0 so she said best out of 7. I won 4-0 so she then said best out of nine. and of course I won making it 5-0 so that just totally made my night =) Anyways I thought I was getting sleepy and figured I should come back to the dorm so that I could fall asleep but by the time I got back I had so much energy and spent time chatting with like 9 different people. Now, I will either fall asleep soon or spend my time doing different things. Who knows....

Today has been filled with a lot of events. Too many of which to talk about. The majority of them were good. Things seem to be getting better. I am thankful for a lot of things right now. So then why do i feel a little down right now? I think it's just me thinking of the past. I will fix this though. I know I will. I have faith in myself and that's all that matters.

About last night, *no comment*.

As far as today went, it started off a little bad but i started to feel better when I went to eat with Marlene and Matt. We walked over to taco bell and then back to Marlene's room. It was fun. Then after a while Ofon took us to get some tapioca. I think I really am starting to get used to it. =) I have so much to do tomorrow. ugh, it's gonna be a long day. I learned the alphabet in sign language. So much fun. I am so proud of myself. Of course I can't do it that fast yet, but I'll work on it. I also learned a lot of things about El Salvador from Marlene. It was interesting. Now I am going to chill for about an hour and then go play pool for a while and then hopefully go to bed early.

I woke up pretty late today. But then again what's new. I had a really good dream that's probably why I didn't want to get out of bed. Of course I had to wake up to reality though. Oh well. I am really worried about someone even though they say they are okay. But I have a feeling they are gonna be on my mind all day. I am suppose to go out with some friends tonight. We'll see what happens with that.

I went to probate earlier with Jerry and Jeannie and met up with Marlene and Brandy there. It was cool. Only one person crossed, but it was still good. Afterwards, Jeannie, Jerry, and me came back and chilled in my room. I started getting ready for the Alpha party and got there around 11:30. It was alright. I had fun. It's funny how guys think they can just approach you and get what they want. Sorry to inform them they can't. Especially certain people that think they can have everything. Oh well, maybe I should go to sleep already. But I am not that tired so let's see what happens.

Alright so this day had been going by so perfectly. Not one complaint. I loved the conversations I was having. I mean complete smile on my face, nonstop. I seriously don't know when I stopped smiling. =) It was a beautiful day outside too. I mean I didn't think anything was gonna go bad. Until a certain conversation on the phone. I got some really bad news so I am just totally pissed right now. I mean seriously upset. I felt like hitting something while I was shooting pool. I kept knocking the balls of the table, well i actually only did that a couple of times but still i was very upset. Then I cooled down a while later and just told myself I had to get my shit together. Right now I am just gonna get ready to go to probate with Marlene. Then I will chill afterwards and then come get read for the after party. Let's hope this night is as good as the beginning of this day was. *crosses fingers*

Oh, Good luck to Matt, Greg, and Ding at their basketball tournament tomorrow. =)

Tonight has been good. Went to play pool against Britt and then against Matt. I beat Britt, but I am sad to report that I lost to Matt. I am so determined to win against him. It's gonna have to happen sooner or later. Oh well, now I am here in my room and have no clue of what to do. I have no work to do for school and I don't have class until 3pm tomorrow so technically I can stay up all night. Doing what, I have no clue. I guess I will just let it play out. Whatever happens happens.

Do you ever have those moments where something is buggin you but you don't know what? I know it sounds weird but there was a brief moment tonight where I knew there was something that was on my mind or that was getting to me but I just couldn't figure it out. So technically since I didn't know what it was I just completely ignored the feeling and continued to enjoy myself. I still don't know what it was but oh well, obviously it wasn't important.

All I have wanted all day was sleep. But no, it hasn't happened. I maybe got like an hour or 2 but that's it and i wan't more. =( I went to kickboxing and took my skills test. Which i did pretty good on. Then came back relaxed for about 40 minutes or so and then went to water aerobics. My whole body is sore. omg that was a good workout. I am really glad I went. I had planned to get some sleep when I got back but my phone kept going off and people kept IM me. It was crazy. i finally just put my phone on silent and then got my one hour nap. Now my friend wants me to go out with her. Should I stay here and relax or be a good friend and go? Let's see what decision I make this time.

Today has just been a little crazy. I spent the whole night studying because i really really needed to get a good grade on today's quiz. And I am glad to report that I think I did extremely well. =) Then I totally remembered that I had my project for kickboxing due today. So I had to hurry up and get back so that I can do it. I am pretty sure I have it finished. I am just gonna have someone look at it and tell me what they think. I am soooo tired. There is no doubt in my mind that I will go to sleep after kickboxing. It shouldn't last that long. We are gonna do a couple of more parts to our skills test and then turn in our projects and then we will be done. Thank God!!!! Now I should try to take at least a 30-45 minute nap so that I can be somewhat awake for the skills test.

**Please let my prayers be answered today, I need this soooo bad**

These past few days have been good. Getting all the plans together for the summer. Going to my classes and actually doing things i enjoy or know. Went to give blood. Went to work out. Had good conversations. Got closer to my brother. It's all good. There is no way I can complain about these past few days. I know God has been with me and has given me the strength to get through all the bad things that have been going on. Now I will go and shoot pool. I have to finish my match with Britt. I got this. =p

This is definitely a time for prayers.

I actually got some sleep last night. What a miracle!!!! =) I got up and just chilled here. For once didn't get online because I just felt like relaxing on my beautiful bed. (The most comfortable bed ever =p) Now I am done for the day with classes. I think I am gonna go out and enjoy the beautiful weather.

Wow, my sleeping schedule needs some serious fixing. I am pretty sure I won't get on a normal one, but I definitely need a better one. I tried so hard to go to bed early last night. I laid there and shut my eyes but I just wasn't sleepy. So around 2 me and constance went to go play pool for a while. Then we came back to the room and watched Shark Tale. That was such a cute movie. I loved the little shrimp. lol. I went to bed around 6, maybe 7, and woke up at 9:20. Went to class and just spent the whole time texting. That prof just talks about the same thing the whole time. It's soooo boring. Afterwards, I went to go drop off my library books and then came back to my room. Now I am just chillin here with a couple of friends. I finally get to see my soap opera!!! yay! =) Let's see if I can stay awake all day and actually get stuff done.

Sometimes as long as you have faith in yourself, that's all that matters. But when you have support from your family in friends it just makes it so much easier. Not everything in life is easy. God is there to pick us up when we fall and to carry us when we can't go any further.

I talked to my brother tonight and it felt so good to talk to him. He made me feel so much better. He supports me and that means the world to me. He is going to help me get everything together. I love him so much. It was a real emotional talk. He apologized for never really being there for me when we were growing up and he said he wants to make up for that. That he wants to be here for me and protect me. =) Thank you God for taking care of him and for showing him the right path in his life. He has quit drinking and smoking and he is fixing his life now. I am so proud of him.

Now it's my turn. To fix everything. To make up for all the mistakes I have done. I don't have the support of two of the most important people in my life, but they are just going through a really hard time themselves. I have to understand that.

Everything else seems to be going okay right now. The plans for the summer are shaping out. I know I will be fine. I have faith in myself and that God will be with me every second of my life. =)

Isn't it funny that when you are ready to let it all out, there is no one there to tell. It was one of those nights where I just wanted to say everything that was on my mind. I just wanted to let it go. I went outside in the hallway and read a journal that I used to write in all the time. Everything I read just hit me and made me realize so many things. There is too many options right now. How in the world am I suppose to choose?

Ask me and I'll tell you.
Tell me and I'll show you.
Show me and I'll speak my mind.
Listen to me and understand.
Open up to me and I'll be there
I will comprehend and understand every word you say, if
You understand everything I say.
Look at me and tell me what you see
I'll tell you what I feel inside
What's in me
All I ask is that you be there
Don't go away, don't leave
Just show that you care about me

The only time people give second chances is when they believe that it is worth it. So can somebody tell me, How do you know when it's worth it or not?

Today has been a day of thinking and getting shit together. I went to sleep around 9:00am and then woke up around 5:00pm. I know I know, that's horrible. But I got some beauty sleep. Some much much needed beauty sleep. I watched Freaky Friday and then Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Did some homework. I was pretty proud of myself. I got the majority of the questions right for that section. =) Then I went to Rumours to eat with Jeannie. We came back to the room and tried to figure out some stuff on the computer. I did some research for the stuff I need for the summer. Got a few things together. So far it's looking good. It's gonna be crazy but I have faith in myself that I can do this. And so do the majority of my friends. =) Thank you to those who believe in me!!!! It means a lot. Jeannie left after a while and then me and Constance did some more research and got some ideas together. We had a good conversation about it. Then again we always have good conversations so that was nothing new. I missed her, I am glad she is back =) After a while I didn't feel like just sitting here. I had to get up and do something. Get my mind cleared of certain things again. I went to go play pool with Britt. It was fun. Some good laughs. I beat her 8-2. Which should really be 9-1 because one of those games she one off a scratch. It would have been pretty too, cuz i jumped it so perfectly. Ah, that was fun. I should've stayed playing. But Britt had a class in the morning and had to get some sleep so we left. Now I am back in my room and have way too much energy right now. What to do....

I went to play pool with Matt and Marlene tonight. It was fun. I love Marlene, she is so adorable. Of course, all I did was try to beat Matt at pool, unfortunately no luck tonight. I beat him in a couple of games, or was it one. I don't remember although he would say it was because he let me. I am gonna beat him for real one of these days. I am determined to. It's a goal. I also learned some cute dance moves from Marlene. That was fun. After a while Marlene left. I walked her a little past heldenfels and then came back. We had a good talk. I came back to the commons and played Matt a few more games. I won one and he won two. Afterwards we went over to Marlene's to watch drumline and ate some pizza and some delicious strawberries. I hadn't had some in a while. They were delicious. =) It was a nice walk back. Or should I say run. haha. Now I am back in my room. I have a little too much energy right now. Oh well, I will find something to do. =) Thank you God for a good night!!!!

It was actually a good night. Don't have time to write about it. But I feel good right now and that's what matters.

The truth has finally been revealed.....

I wonder if there is any point to even writing about the past three days. A part of me wants to, but the other part just says forget about it, nobody cares about whats been going on. I guess I wont bother summarizing it, I can just write it in my other blog so I could at least let it out. Do you ever have so much to say, so much on your mind, yet you don't know in what words to put it. That's exactly how I am feeling. I have so much I want to get out, but I can't. Some things that I want to say to someone but can't find the strength or the words. I just don't know....

Thank God that Constance is okay, we had to take her to the hospital wednesday night around 4am. Matt and Ofon took us and stayed until about 6:30am. I stayed with her until they released her. Her mom came from Houston and took us to Wal-Mart afterwards to get Constance some fluids and other things. Then afterwards we went to IHOP. Her mom is so nice. I loved her. It was good to finally meet her. =) Anyways Constance went home for the weekend with her mom so I have pretty much just been stuck here alone =(

You look at me and I wonder
What do you see?
Do you something good or something bad?
What is it that I am suppose to be?
Am I just a past or do you see me now?
Everything seems so fast and confusing
It's like the world decided to spin faster for me
Yes i have fun every now and then
but nothing is going to erase the memory
I know I have changed
whether it is going back to my old ways
Or the fact that I am stronger
But then I can't help but wonder the things they say
I believe I have gotten weaker as well
But are people really able to tell
That deep down inside I am just as lost as ever
Some things are good.
New friends.
New places.
New thoughts.
But then the past seems to come in ever now and then.
Some things are bad.
Old habits.
Old thoughts.
Old feelings.
They just wont go away.
It's like I want someone to tell me how to live, but then I don't.
I don't know if I want my life to continue being this way.
There are so many choices.
So many decisions. Too many options.


In some ways it's funny. Cuz now I understand what was going through your mind.
I understand how you were feeling. Now it's me in your position.
What am I suppose to do?
There really is nothing to do except wonder and do what I have to do....

Lets see what tonight has in store for me =)

Talk about surprises..... totally freaking out. Don't know if it's a good or bad thing. It's like everything from the past is coming back.

God answered my prayers. =) I am feeling a lot stronger then I have been these past few days. I did something last night that was very difficult for me. I was able to stop myself from smoking and I let go of them. Thanks for helping, you know who you are. I am very grateful for that. I think I felt completely relieved after a while. It was a hard thing but I was able to deal with it. Me and Candi moved the rest of her stuff in last night and cleaned up our room a little. It looks so beautiful. I love it!!!! =) Around 1:30am Cordel and Eric came to hang out with us. We were going to watch a movie here but we ended up going to Eric's house. Not before we got ourselves some McDonald's though. =) I hadn't had a hamburger in like forever. it was sooo good. The guys are so hilarious. They are a trip. It feels good to have new friends to be around. Now I am in much need of my beauty sleep so goodnight or goodmorning i don't know. =p Hope everyone has a good day!!! Love Ya!!!!

It's weird how I feel okay right now. My day was worst in the beginning. Then in the afternoon, Me and Jeannie decided to study outside since it was such a pretty day. Cordel came and joined us also. Then Ofon hung out with us for a while. It was nice. After a good while it started to get cold so we came inside. Cordel left soon after we got in so he could go get something to eat. Jeannie stayed for about a half hour and then went to go study. I just chilled here in my room. I did my math homework online and got a 100. Thanks to Matt. Even though one was bullshit. haha =p There was a short time tonight when I wasn't doing so good but once again I had a friend there with me. Thanks like always. You know who you are. I have to be strong. There was some points where it was pretty intense and emotional but for some reason after I let it go I was okay. There was even some moments where I laughed and smiled. =) Things seem like they are going to be okay. Like I am going to be fine. I just have to keep believing that.

I got up, took a shower, and left. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't care where I would end up. I went for a long ass walk and just questioned why I was here. Why do I even exist? Well, i guess didn't make of the best choices afterwards because I called an old friend who I knew would hook me up with some stuff so I went to her apartment, smoked a few cigarettes, had a beer and just chilled. Then I was like what the fuck am I doing. Then I had to call my general advisor to talk to him about everything and he said he needed to see me right away so I went over there. We discussed a lot and looked at all my options of what to do. looks like i have a lot of serious decisions to make about what I want to do. I called Constance to come meet me so that I wouldn't be alone. I ended up where I never thought I would. At church. I talked to someone there and they helped me out a lot. Then I went inside the chapel and just prayed. Asked God to give me his strength and to come back into my life. I need him so much. I don't believe I deserve his hope though. After everything I have done. What am I thinking? I am so lost right now......

Why I thought there was hope for me I don't know. The night started off really good. I was having fun and spending time with my friends. Then I got back trying to help another friend and people had to but in. They should've just let me be. Now I don't want to talk to anybody or be around them. I don't trust them and I don't want anything to do with them. I need to go. I don't know where I am going. But I need to go somewhere where they wont find me. It's too bad it had to come to this. But hey it happened now i gotta go and leave. Sorry everybody. Goodbye

It's a sad day in college basketball. Illinois lost =(

Today has been a lot better. I was out and about. I got some stuff done and then chilled in my room for a while. It feels good to have my best friend living with me now. She makes me feel a lot better. =) I went to eat at Sbisa with Jeannie today and we had a blast. Omg. We had like the funniest experience at the Underground. LOL. I will never forget that. It was so hillarious. We also ran into Marlene there. It was nice to see her again. We stayed and talked for a while and then headed back to Jeannie's room to pick up a few things. One thing imparticular that was very interesting and entertained me. Now i am about to go out and hang out with people. This day seems to be a lot better than I expected.

Bad Habit - Destinys Child

How many times
Are you gonna apologize about the same thing
And how many times can I take you back
When I'm not the one that's doin' wrong
(When I'm not the one that's doin' wrong, yeah)
I thought maybe if I started prayin
'That we would get better, but
When I would pray the answer would always come back to
me bein' done
But we are so hard headed when we're in love
So I

[Chorus]
I told myself that I would make some changes
But the more I change there's one thing that remains the
same
I can't seem to shake ya
You seem to really have a hold on me
And everytime that we break up
We turn around and make up
This can't go on now
I gotta move on now
It's not the fact that I don't love you no more
But I gotta break this bad habit
Can't take his bad habit no more

[Kelly]
I'm totally out of my element
Learnin' new ways to live, while your in a comfort zone
Not even thinkin, (you couldn't think about me) to call
And then when I get mad you buy me gifts
Thinkin' it's gonna solve every issue
From the girl callin my phone, to the pictures that I saw
And every time you would break up with me for nothing at
all
I've takin all I could take (I've takin all I could take)
But the way I live has gotta change, oh
[Chorus]

[Bridge Kelly]
Let me break it down
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you was just to blind to see
Past, all of the pain they was causin' you
Ladies do you feel me (do you feel me)
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you went against the right things that you
should do
Then it's time to make a change
So I

If-Destinys Child
"No More stressing, No more crying, No More Trying
I Would Rather be Alone
I'd Rather Be All By Myself
Because This Valuable Heart Of Mine Was Yours Until I
Realize Finally Opened My Eyes"

I don't know what I want, but I know what I DON'T want. I need to be cautious and more aware of the things in my life. A lot of people might not agree with the actions I have been taking lately, but hey my choices right. I do want to say thanks to all my friends for being there cuz this has definitely been one of the worst times of my life. I don't think I would be making it through right now if it wasn't for you. I can still feel that this is just going to be another long tough day, but I will do my best to hang in there and not cry as much. I am letting fate take its course in my life. Let's see how that works.

Tonight was just another crazy night. It was full of anger, hatred, confusion, tears, decisions, accusations, etc. But I am still breathing so I guess I am fine. I went outside more than like three times today and just sat there wondering about everything. Wondering how my life feels so fucked up right now. But I can't keep doing this. I am not saying it's not going to hurt everyday because I know it is. I can't tell myself I am going to be over it in one day cause that's impossible. When you love someone as much as I did that shit just doesn't go away. Yes, there is always going to be a part of me that blames myself but then I just have to remember everything I did for him. I need to remember how much I cared and was there and that I am a good person with a good heart. It was said that people come into your life a for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I guess he came into my life for a reason. And i think it was to show me how strong I could be. He was meant to be my first love and heartache. i don't know why but I guess this whole relationship or whatever taught me a lot of things. Now I must learn to stand on my own two feet again. I need to go out into the world and remember that there is some good out there. I was fine before I met him, I can be fine again. I need to show everyone that I am a strong person who cares about everyone and wants nothing more than to make the world a brighter place for everybody.

wow, so how do I even go about summarizing this day. I woke up, took a shower, cried, went with Clare and Jeannie to go tan, and then we met up with Greg and Ofon at pizza hut. Came back to the dorm, cried, chilled in my dorm for a while, cried, then went outside so I could calm down, went for a walk with Ofon, cried, got a surprise that I wasn't expecting, calmed myself down again, kept walking, had a conversation with my sister, saw something again I didn't like, talked to Jerry on the phone, started balling, Ofon told me about a conversation he had and I was like what the hell. You do not even try to tell me stuff. If you want to say something tell me to my face. So of course after a long while of just sitting outside thinking I came back and then Cordel and Eric came to hang out with me for a while. They tried to cheer me up and get my mind off everything. They really did get my mind off it for a while. So I am happy they came over. Then a surprise came on my computer. A few IM's that I just didn't even know what to say to or whether or not to respond. I know in a way some things were right but you know what I just don't care right now. No one is here to stop me or whatever so I am gonna do as I please. It's my life. Anyways so then I was talking to one of my closest friends and they told me about a conversation they had and I was just like what. You cannot go off and blame another person. If anything it was me. I make my choices. Not anybody else. I am sorry that I had to lose a couple of friends throughout this whole mess. I really wish things were different but hey we don't always get what we wish for right. How did things get so fucked up? I am trying to understand, I really am but I guess there is no point in trying to understand anymore. It's over and done with.

Someone tell me what to do, please. I know that somewhere inside i have strength, but i can't find it. I am lost. and confused. I never want to feel this again. I don't want to take a chance anymore.

Last night was definitely one of the worst nights of my life. How can someone be so cold-hearted? To say such cruel words. I have wasted my time on something I should have let go of a long time ago. Why I put up with so much bullshit, I have no clue? But it's over. I am through with it. I am tired of being played with and treated like a fucking game. I am a good person with a good heart and I didn't deserve any of this. Things were tried to be used against me just so that they would have an excuse but it was all bullshit. They just needed something to push me away. Well, it worked. I am gone. He got what he wanted. I hope he is happy. What hurts is that I put all my effort and time into someone that I truly loved only for him to take my heart and stomp on it like nothing. Everyone told me to let go. That I deserve better. That it's not worth my tears, my thoughts, or my words. Well, i guess it's finally time to do it. As hard as it's going to be I must stay strong. A part of me will always blame myself for what happened but the other part sees it as I am not the one who quit. I gave him nothing but love and all I got in return are tears and heartache.

Can't believe that it's over baby All the buises on my heart That you gave me See we tried but we fight then we cry Now it's over baby When I met you I knew you would be the one, me looking at you made me feel kind of crazy, what you asked I almost did it automatically but it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me. although I know that what we had wasn't perfect babe, fooled around, but see that minute didn't phase me I thought by staying, trying to change you would be worth it babe, but now I see that trying to change you only changed me. See all of your lies, all these years and now I'm saying goodbye, it's over babe. Now I am thinking that I never should have dealt with you, all this screaming and this yelling that we go through raining late at night I'm sitting waiting up for you just to tell you that I hate who you turned into, see ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you, I'm never playing another day of being your fool, I wasted all my time on something that just wasn't true, I should have known I could never ever change you See all your lies all these years and now I am saying goodbye, it's over babe I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID TO ME SO I AM GOING I AM LEAVING BABY I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID TO ME SO SEE ME DON'T EVEN SPEAK, I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU DID TO ME SO I AM GONE I AM LEAVING BABY

Nothing ever phased me. I was too blind to see what was really going on, But it's over. done with. I am through with it.....

so i guess the season is over....

Everything is lost. Why even bother trying?

I hate myself right now. I wish something was never told to me. I wish that i still had the most precious person in my life. I miss it. But i am hated now and there is nothing to do about it.

It feels like it's going to be a good day. =) I woke up feeling a lot better. My stomach still hurts but i don't feel so tired and weak. In fact, I feel kind of energetic right now. I got up took a shower, did my hair and make up, and now I am just chillin here in my room. Watched the movie White Chicks while I was getting dressed. That's such a funny movie. Now what am I gonna do? I know I shouldn't push it, but I am just so tired of being stuck in my room. We'll see what happens....

Lets see how long this mood lasts

I spent most of my day crying in bed, but forced myself to get up to go to class. I went and was bored to death. But anyways, I came back to my room and just chilled for a while before Clare came for me. We went to the mall to look for a dress for ring dance. I wasn't really feeling good but I knew it was important to her so I didn't care how sick I was, I was still gonna go with her. She knew I hadn't eaten all day except for some pop tarts so she forced me to eat some soup. I didn't think it would really hurt me but omg I felt so sick after a while. I had to sit down. Jeannie met up with us after she hung out with her mom, sister, and the baby. I didn't last that long there though. They ended up bringing me back sooner than planned. I am sorry you guys =( We picked up my medicine on the way back and I took it when I got back to my room. It knocked me out. I ended up sleeping for about 4 hrs. I was soooo hungry when I woke up. Of course, I have no money and nothing to eat so I didn't know what to do. Thankfully, Matt had some food upstairs so I went and got it. Thanks Matt!!! I came back to my room, ate and watched the game, and then went to shoot pool for a while. Of course I didn't do so good because I wasn't feeling so well. But I am glad I decided to go. I was so close to almost staying in my room, I just wasn't in the mood to be around anybody. Something just pushed me to go though. And it was fun. So much better than I thought. After a few games I was like okay I better go because I didn't want anything to mess up this night. I was so scared that the same thing was going to happen again tonight. I kept looking at my phone and praying that it wouldn't ring. And Thank God it didn't. Now I am back in my room just chillin. I have no clue of what to do. Maybe I should just go to sleep. I really don't want this night to go bad. It's the first time in a long time where nothing has gone wrong.

Missing everything.....
I only have one wish for tonight, but it's not like it will happen so I should just forget it.

Leave everything up to fate. If it was meant to be then it will happen. If two people truly love each other and belong together than they will always find their way back to one another. You must learn to forgive and forget. As hard as it is, it is something that must be done. Somethings though are always going to be there haunting you not letting you forgive them or forget, but remember to keep your head up. God will always be there for you.

Never let go of the things that mean the most to you. Always keep your faith and your hope!!!! And definitely cherish what you have in your life now. Don't take things for granted because when you least expect it, it will be gone.

It's the beginning of a new month. How bout a new beginning for everything else as well? Damn, why do things have to be so fucking difficult. Life and love are just loving to mess around with me right now. It makes me think everything is okay, but then in one second something happens. I still don't feel so good. My stomach is killing me. It wasn't only a bad conversation online that got to me, but i got a really disturbing phone call too. It totally just made me feel like shit. It was like the past came back to haunt me as usual. Bad memories. The fear came back to me and I felt like I was trapped again. How did he get my number? Damn it. Fucking asshole. He knew exactly what to say to get to me. It hurt soooo much. All he did was bring me down and make me feel like I wasn't worth anything. I really don't want to be around anybody right now. I feel just like I do when I don't want anyone to touch me or get close to me.

Okay I was about to write good stuff, but nevermind. Horrible conversation just occured. The day was long and boring. I spent the majority of the day in my bed because i was sick. Had some really good online conversations, got some good advice. Thanks John D. you really helped me think about things tonight. Then another friend made me feel a little better because he brought me some juice and soup. I didn't think he was really going to bring me anything, but he did so that was nice. Anyways, afterwards me and candi watched love and basketball. I love that movie!! I took a shower, had a nice phone conversation, and now i am just here thinking as usual. I hated this last conversation. It just brought tears to my eyes. So much for a good night. I hope everyone else has sweet dreams!!!